The epitome of his outlook on life. It was dull, filled with anxiety and last of all it was a ball of social expectations and pressures which he would inevitably gravitate to in some way. As he peered across the room timidly he couldn’t help but feel as though a slightly menacing atmosphere loomed over it, despite the many attempts to brighten the room with posters that consisted ,mainly of bright colours, with useless information which he unfathomable as to how any body could learn from these. it all seemed to bleed like watercolours in to one another. The teacher who stood at the front consistently seemed to reassure them they would have a good day, although if you looked carefully you could see a glint of pain, as he recalled his first day. The many attempts to reassure the boy only made him feel worse. The windows wept as the bitterness of the september morning seeped into the room and infected all inhabitants with a sense of impending disappointment.
BOOP!
BOOP!
BOOP!
Registration had ended the boy hurried to his first lesson loathsomely. His first lesson was maths which he immediately began to resent. First lesson was Algebra. Imagine two truly bleak and mentally depleting subjects,which in this case were English and Maths, combined in some sort of contortment to come to together to make what could only be described as cutting the webbing of ones toes with paper cuts and then submerging them into vinegar while your feet are being scoured with sandpaper. No matter what the boy thought he knew that he would have at least five years of this left possibly seven if he went to the sixth form there, although he quickly removed any idea of that in his mind. The maths class followed the same trend which was set by his form room a dull room desperately trying to trick its occupiers that it was somewhat cheerful. He was surprised (in a good way, which was a first for this place) that the teacher spoke in a soothing tone which almost aided him on his trickle into a deep sleep which was a combination of the monotonousness of the lesson and the fact he stayed up late the previous night worrying about the morning. He knew worrying wouldn’t help him but nonetheless he couldn’t, or more importantly wouldn’t stop. When he had woke up the sky was dark his room was the world felt dark. He drearily and unwillingly pulled and dragged his trousers over his knees and around his waist. As he hauled the shirt over and for a brief moment his life was brightened by the surprising whiteness of his shirt. When he got in the car the boy couldn’t help but think that his parents were happier than him but he put on his acting (which got him where he is) and nobody would second guess his emotion that morning; sheer excitement. That was until he left his parents, and once again everybody could tell, he didn’t want to be there.
January 23, 2015 at 9:34 pm
I think you really hit your stride with this sentence: ‘it all seemed to bleed like watercolours in to one another.’ After this, your tone and pace become clearer and flow well.
Targets:
1) Always re-read and edit sentence structures – especially typos and your choice of sentence types.
2) Be strict with paragraph length
3) I like the idea behind your description of algebra – how might it be made clear and more developed?
4) Focus on description of place and develop this in your second half.